My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
