i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
