bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My feet surprised me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize