new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
