You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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