your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize