so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
