worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
