if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
