So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
