don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
