Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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