Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
