I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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