I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize