Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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