don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize