woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
