I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
