So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize