i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
