he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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