You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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