the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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