Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
