i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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