Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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