I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
