I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
