I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize