Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
