Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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