I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
