i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
