grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
