so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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