know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
