I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
