I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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