life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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