I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
