Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
