I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
