She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize