Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
