I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
