Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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