I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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