I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
