it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
