Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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