I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
