she was so not down for the gang bang
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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