my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
