I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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