Your dad touched me again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
