I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize