Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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